Day 42 Lexapro

Well, made it to another Monday.  I swear, I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.  Trust me to think things are calming down with the insomnia then have one of my most wakeful nights ever.  Urrrrgh. 

In fairness, though, overall my nights are getting better; it's just last night's sleep that sucked, and when it happens to be a Sunday night/ Monday morning, that's just icing on the rather icky cake.

Today was totally a Subway breakfast/ Chipotle lunch kind of day.  I had to wash my hair this morning, and that pretty much kills off time for doing anything else, including food prep.  I'll have to navigate that a bit better once high school gets back in, because I have to start transporting #2 Son to school again, and that sucker starts early.  Honestly, I'd go back home afterward but it's backtracking and I'd feel better just heading on to the office, especially since I'd have to leave in under 30 minutes after I got back home anyway.  That's still something to consider, though, for those moments when I just haven't had enough time to get everything done and that 25 or so minutes will actually make a difference.

Hmmm... three new things I'm happy about.  That's kind of tough for a Monday :P  But I'll give it a shot.

• I'm happy my hair smells nice.  Washing it's a pain (it's thick and not short), but it's well worth the time.
• I'm happy I made it to work on time/ slightly early today in spite of the Great Hair Washing Festival (I usually do it at night to avoid the morning crunch)
• I'm happy I'm having Chipotle today.  Even though it's not my absolute favorite bowl (that one involves rice, sour cream, and cheese in addition to my other toppings), it's hard to go wrong with guacamole.

Okay, that'll do it for today!  We'll see how things fare in the morning.  I was 169.6 this morning, but that can just be water weight (okay, so could my loss Saturday dagnabbit), so I'm not going to stress.

Day 40 Lexapro

169.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh happy day, I lost a pound (which is a good, normal amount to lose past the first few weeks considering my weight), and I don't have to pile on my makeup and be all social and so forth at a meeting this morning :)  I don't know if my little half-hour lunch walks are exactly helping or not, but they're not hurting and I'm going to keep them up.

Goals for this upcoming week, starting today, include continuing my walks as previously stated, recording all my food (because even if I don't put it on my app, I'm still putting it in my body, so might as well have a record) and adding using my standing desk for at least an hour each morning.  I may do more, and I may do an afternoon shift of standing as well depending on my body.

Y'all, I am tickled pink.

I'm also looking at setting up a couple times next week to take the boys to the gym.  My older son has just a month left before we have to take him back to school, and I think he'd like me to suck it up and get him in to lift some.  That plus doing resistance training at least twice a week is important for me from a health standpoint at the very least.  The thing I hate about doing the gym is the time involved in travel, plus having to wait for folks to get off the machines.  I can do some of my workouts with free weights, and I tend to do that (because stabilizer muscles are a thing)... maybe I just need to concentrate on that.  No one is paying attention to the grey-haired woman anyway :)

Okay, three new things I'm happy about:

• Lazy Saturday mornings :)  They're the best.
• I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly last night, hooray!  More than 8 hours sleep, which apparently I needed
• Date night with my husband!  The monthly drag show at a local restaurant is tonight, and we're going.  We're involved with our local PFLAG and Pride groups and like to support the community whenever possible.  The fact that tonight's support comes with massive entertainment and being surrounded with good friends and likeminded people is just a bonus :)

That's about it, folks!  Have a fantastic weekend :)

Day 39 Lexapro

I swear, it feels more like a Monday than a Friday today.  I had trouble peeling myself out of bed, I was running late this morning, I dumped coffee down the front of my shirt right when I was about to leave for work (thank goodness I had a backup!)... and donut holes attacked me when I got to the office.

The donut holes I have to go out and purchase for my co-workers to eat, for the record.  Sigh.

Oh well, regardless of how the day's gone so far, it is in fact Friday, so I've just got to get through the next seven or so hours and then I'm blissfully free until Monday :)

I'm weighing in tomorrow, not today.  The way my day's gone so far I think that bastard of a scale would try to give me a heart attack with a 180 or something.

Okay, three new things I'm happy about!

• I'm happy I didn't have to fish the tortoise out of some teensy hiding space last night.
• I'm happy I've done most of my laundry already, which means I won't have too much to take care of this weekend.
• I'm happy it's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

Have a great weekend :)

Day 38 Lexapro

Oh happy day!

Sorry for the radio silence yesterday (because clearly The Entire World is waiting for me to post daily 😜), but work was busy being work.  It was slammed here this morning as well.  Honestly, I'd rather be so busy that I don't have time to blog, because that means work is coming in and that means job security.  Hooray, continued employment!

I didn't get to weigh in this morning, but I'll give it a go by Saturday at the dead latest, because if that scale is up on Saturday I'll be high-tailing it into Weight Watchers whether I feel like it or not.  I may end up having a slight gain because my tracking has fallen to the wayside as this week has progressed, especially yesterday.  I'm going to backtrack and get today all entered at least and ensure that I track absolutely everything for today and tomorrow so that Saturday when I have a new week and a new bank of weekly points, I can fully account for everything.

Okay, three new things I'm happy about!

• I'm happy I'm taking back my tracking with my food, because sticking my head in the sand never does me any good.  Being proactive is a plus :)
• I'm happy my older son likes that his (wonderful and kind) girlfriend "doesn't take [his] shit," and yes, that's a quote from the boy.  I've known that boy since before he was born and... yes, this is an important trait for one who wishes to partner with my delightful Spawn :)
• I'm really REALLY happy my husband came home in time to bring in The Giant Tortoise last night because the 30-40 pound monster (we're not sure which) had managed to wedge himself between two garbage cans and Was! Not! Having! It! when I tried to pry him out and carry him up to his tortoise house.  He hissed.  Repeatedly.  Plus I was afraid I'd break a nail (sad, but true).

Okay y'all, that's about it for today :)  I'm off to enter all my food and do any more work that comes my way for the next hour and four minutes.  Not that I'm counting or anything...

Day 36 Lexapro

Not too much to say today, because I stayed up too late last night like an idiot and I'm tired.  I made good food decisions yesterday -- went to Outback and ordered a 6 oz. filet along with a double order of asparagus, which was good.  I'll do similarly well today.  I'm taking the Elder Offspring to Chipotle for dinner tonight and will ensure that I get my All the Veggies Plus Chicken bowl.  He'll do his usual double meat thing.  Life will be good.

Hmm.  Three new things I'm happy about today.  Let's see...

• I'm happy the days are getting shorter.  It's hot enough here; about time the sun spent a little less time beaming down on our state.
• I'm happy I have TicTacs.  Okay, this one is tiny, but I'll take it :)
• I'm happy my back is doing better than it was yesterday.  I have no idea what ticked it off, but it was so bad it hurt to lean back in my chair.  Today it's back to what passes for normal around here.  Yay! 

So that's about it :)  I will say that listing three new things I'm happy about every day is helpful.  I'm glad I finally remembered to do it.

Day 35 Lexapro - Sometimes it's TOTALLY About the Scale

Saturday the scale said 170.0 -- yay!!!  And because I actually lost weight this week, I gave myself a break and didn't do the 40-minute round trip to my Weight Watchers meeting.  If I'd gained, I would have gone.  I did last week.  But I lost, and I've been over and over, and in spite of the lovely "X-number of meetings in a row!" awards they have, sometimes I just need a break.  I'm not going to prioritize those.  I will, however, prioritize consistent attendance and definite attendance when the scale isn't behaving as I'd like.

Something I keep meaning to try to do here is list three new things I'm happy about each day.  I did it one day last week or the week before, and totally forgot about it because I'm lame like that :P  However, I put a reminder on a post-it note and it's only taken me like five more days to actually remember to look at the post-it (it's literally two inches below the bottom of my computer monitor) and forge ahead, so here goes.

• I'm happy my older son is more than capable of getting up on his own in plenty of time to be where he should be.  This may seem minor and maybe even a bit overdue since he's already finished his first year of college and all, but considering his younger brother is still struggling with the whole "waking up in a timely manner" thing, I am super appreciative of this aspect of the elder offspring's ever-increasing maturity.
• I'm happy that in spite of my poor husband having to do colonoscopy prep yesterday that he handled it with almost insane levels of humor.  It ended with him saying he might as well just toss the Dulcolax in the toilet because it wasn't going to stay in him long enough to dissolve anyway.  I had to laugh -- not at his suffering, because ugh, but because he's just hilarious and I adore him :)
• I'm also happy I got a new clarifying shampoo the other day, and it worked amazingly well when I washed my hair last night!  I know, petty, but with the amount of product I use on my hair regardless of whether I'm trying to encourage it to curl or I'm trying to straighten it, clarification is necessary at times to remove product and environmental buildup.  It's important for any hair, but especially hair as grey-to-white as mine, because I don't want any hint of yellow about it.

So anyway, that's about it for today :)  Scale is down, food is on point after a weekend of some indulgence, and everything is on track.  Have a good one!

Day 32 Lexapro, and It's Not Always About the Scale

Good morning, everyone!  Well, all one or two of you.  Bless your hearts.

This morning the scale said I weighed 170.6 pounds.  It's not the first time I've seen that weight, but I believe it's the first time I've seen 170-point-something on a Friday rather than a Saturday.  I think the trendline is going down and that makes me happy :)

Now that I've gone on about the scale, of course this is the post I chose to add "it's not always about the scale" to the title.  But I've had a couple of good things happen already just today outside of the scale cooperating!  One, when I put on my outfit for today, the shirt (a tunic-style t-shirt type of thing) actually draped over my body rather than clinging to my thighs, which then necessitates me trying to stretch it out over my extremely pear-shaped self.  The scale may still be hopping around the same place, but my body is changing and for that I am so incredibly grateful.

The second thing is my food.  Today at work Those Who Sign My Paychecks had me pick up a platter of Chicken Minis from The Restaurant I Do Not Go to on My Own Dime, as well as a dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme.

Yum.  All of it.  Even the food from That Place.

So rather than eat a literal serving of chicken minis (which would be four), I instead had one, then pitched the little buns from the other three.  It's not a perfect solution, but it cut down on the processed carbs quite a bit.

Well, that and it left me room for a donut.  Because donuts.

I'm sure there are those who would be horrified "OMG she's on a diet and she's eating freaking donuts!  Who does she think she's kidding?"  Well, no one.  I recorded what I ate, and even if I didn't, my body would know.  I wouldn't eat this daily, nor even weekly.  But it's a rarity I get chicken minis, and just as much of a rarity that I get to have warm Krispy Kreme, so I went for it in a manner I could live with.  I'll do me, you do you, life is good.

Besides, it's not like this blog is monetized or really has a readership, so I'm not trying to deliberately stay overweight to continue any sort of income or marketing plan.  I write so I have something to look back on, and to give me some measure of accountability.  Note that by "some measure" I don't mean "please, comment and tell me I'm a moron" because y'all, I will censor the shit out of that.  It will leave.  Yes, even if it's my first comment ever.  Instead, by "some measure" I mean I feel I should post and at least state what I've eaten, because if I'm not thrilled with my choices I'm not going to want to put it out here on the internet for everyone to see.  I have to consider if what I'm eating is something I really want to 'fess up to.

Eh, it works for me.

Anyway, the rest of the day food-wise will be pretty normal.  I didn't have my usual breakfast sandwich so I've eaten all of the tomato I usually slice for both breakfast and lunch, barring the two slices I have held back for my lunch sandwich.  I also had a banana along with my nutritionally questionable breakfast.  Lunch is my standard tortilla/ turkey/ light cheese sandwich with a side of cherries today (I ran out of strawberries), and dinner will be whatever dinner will be.  Light, regardless.

At any rate, that's it.  Here's hoping tomorrow's weigh in isn't too awful, and have a great weekend!

Day 31 Lexapro, and Hair Policing

The scale semi-politely said 171.4 today, so... yeah.  It's doing its thing.  We'll see how everything washes out on Saturday.  I've been running at a deficit this week, so my hope is it will show a loss.  That said, my body's ability to retain water is pretty impressive so I'm not going to hold my breath.  I am, however, going to remain compliant the rest of this week.

As for my Lexapro, one thing it doesn't stop is my constant amazement at how some women think it's totally okay to police other women's hair, faces, bodies, etc.  I'm a bit focused on this at the moment due to being the recipient of "hair policing"... yeah.  Apparently it's a thing.

For the record, I've been growing out my dye for the past year plus.  My hair is exceptionally grey -- white in places, silver to pewter in others -- and keeping the red color on it was getting ridiculous.  Not even ten days after I had fresh color applied, I was having to color in my roots with touch-up powder; for over $140 a pop, that wasn't a good return on my investment.  So, right before my 47th birthday I figured I'd take the plunge.  My goal was and still is to have all my dye grown out and my hair length back to the middle of my back by the time I turn 50.  At this point, I stand a good chance of making that happen.

Anyway, I'm pretty public about things I do (Growing out my grey?  Check.  On anti-depressants?  Check.  Botox and fillers?  Check.  Hell yes.), so I've documented my progress on growing out my dye on Facebook.  It's been interesting, and a couple of my friends have followed suit which is kind of fun :)  But now that I'm close to having it all grown out, some of my friends are trying to tell me it's time to cut off all the dye.  Which, hey, they're entitled to their own opinion, and I posted the pictures in public, so it's not as if I didn't tacitly volunteer for feedback.  But when I explained that no, I'm keeping my length because I'm just not a short hair person, they doubled down on the subject as if I'm being ridiculous for having a couple inches of color left on the bottom of my hair.

Excuse me, but it's my hair.  If you don't like it, there's an "unfriend" button right there.  Or, here's a thought, you can just scroll on by.

So of course, in twenty-four hours that followed, I had two separate people tell me how amazing my hair color is.  Both people thought I had deliberately dyed the ends, because apparently "reverse ombre" is on trend right now.  I had to laugh.

I don't care what other folks do with their hair.  Frankly, if I didn't like my natural hair color I would grab a box of dye again in an instant, because better living through chemistry.  But I do, so I'm sticking with it.  That's just me, though.  I am not ever going to tell another woman what she needs to do with her hair.  It's not my head, it's not my business.

Sheesh, I have enough trouble dealing with my own stuff.  I don't have time to meddle in everyone else's.

Okay, slight rant there :)  As you were -- carry on!

Day 30 Lexapro

Wow, it's been a month on Lexapro!  Okay, not exactly a month.  Not on full strength, but it's close.  The reflux (I've been fixating on it in the last 24 hours or so) is unfun still.  I don't think it's as bad as it was in the beginning, but it's still not awesome, and at this point I think it's here to stay so I may need to explore something to calm it down.

The insomnia, as it still stands, is something I can live with.  I've adapted my caffeine consumption, and that combined with just getting into bed and staying there is doing enough to ensure I get a decent night's sleep.

One thing I've really appreciated about going on Lexapro is that I'm not having the insane emotional eating urges I'd been having for the past two years or so.  It's amazing.  This is not to say I always make good food choices (hello, baklava), but it's helpful when my occasional off-roading is just that:  occasional.  Or at least a deliberate choice rather than some unhinged gorge-fest.

I have no idea what my weigh-in will look like this Saturday.  I'm sure I could tweak it by wearing my knit skirt again (lighter-weight clothing for the win!) and only having one cup of coffee prior to heading in to the meeting, but I'm not going to play that game.  I think I'll just go in my denim leggings and a tunic top, like I did last Saturday.  That's a more normal outfit for me to wear on a day-to-day basis anyway.  Plus, like I said, I was getting tired of wearing that skirt Every. Single. Week.

Other news?  Not much.  I did a wine tasting last night that unfortunately involved pizza (y'all, it's a rural area), so I'm not entirely certain of the damage I've wrought on my week nutrition-wise.  I am, however, going to try to log that stuff for yesterday so I can get my weekly allowance points taken care of.  At this point, I'm very much afraid I'm in the negatives.  NOT AWESOME, AMANDA.

Sigh.  Pizza and baklava.  There are days when I'm convinced I might as well just duct tape my food to my hips.

Day 29 Lexapro

Scale said 171.6 today.  Again.  At least it isn't 172.2.  I remember hitting this "wall" back when I was working to get below 150 back in 2010/ 2011, and being so aggravated with the bouncing around.  Admittedly, I kind of feel a bit like that now, but I also realize that this particular week/ couple of weeks, it's due to my consumption that I'm not losing.  This week I'm tracking scrupulously, and I hope that my compliance will be rewarded Saturday on the scale.  I'd like a loss, but even getting back to where I was the week before last would be great.

There is a niggling fear in the back of my mind that the Lexapro is somehow going to halt or slow my weight loss progress, but the relationship between SSRI's and weight loss is a bit iffy.  There is certainly a correlation and anecdotal evidence abounds; however, correlation does not equal causation and anecdotes do not equal data, so I'm going to keep plugging away and ensure that I'm in a caloric deficit.  The only way to accomplish that is to be scrupulous in reporting my food intake, so that is what I will do.

The remaining two side effects from the Lexapro appear to be diminishing.  There is still some reflux, as well as some insomnia issues, but the reflux is much improved, and it's becoming easier for me to get to sleep.  I think I got nearly or exactly eight hours last night, which was beyond awesome during the work week!  We went out briefly (I fed the snakes, and I needed wine after that); when we got home I headed straight for the shower and then into bed.  I think I would have fallen asleep more quickly, but my husband came to bed and we chatted briefly before we once again zoned out.

Still, eight hours!  Yay :)

My food continues on the same path it has been.  Yesterday was a Subway/ Chipotle day... and wine day.  Today I brought my food from home, and I'm continuing with my same Boar's Head Fest I've been on since the get-go.  Breakfast is a 1 SmartPoint whole wheat tortilla with two eggs along with a little ham and under an ounce of provolone cheese in addition to tomato, onion, pickles, banana peppers, and jalapenos.  Lunch is another 1 SP tortilla with 3 oz. jerk turkey, under an ounce of chipotle gouda cheese, a bit of honey mustard, and the same veggie toppings as breakfast.

Oh, and with breakfast I had a small/ medium (I think small -- this sucker was tiny) banana.  Lunch I'll have a pile of strawberries.  Bananas are a daily food for me, and I go for the smaller ones at the store because even though they're a zero point food, they still have calories and I like to be cautious with how many calories I'm consuming especially with fruit.  Strawberries aren't so much of a worry because berries are inherently a lower calorie fruit, but I still watch my portions.

I am hopeful I'll feel more like cooking this weekend, because I'd like to make the black bean turkey chili verde my family loves, and which I enjoy as well.  The chili itself is zero points, and toppings (avocado, 2% cheese, reduced fat sour cream) will be where the points come in.  I may just go for avocado to top it, as the dairy I think would be overkill... plus, caloric deficit here.  I'll see how spicy it is.  Regardless, I don't think I need both cheese and the sour cream considering my current nutritional goals.  Do they taste good?  Sure.  But they're not a necessity for me to enjoy the meal.

I just checked, and half of a Haas avocado comes up to 4 SmartPoints.  I can live with that.  It's 140 calories which, on top of a 300 calorie bowl of chili, will still clock lunch in at 440 - 500 calories, depending on whether or not I toss a few strawberries into the mix.  Add that to my 500 calorie breakfast, and I've still got 200 - 300 calories I can play with for dinner.  That may not sound like a lot, but I tend to eat much more lightly in the evenings anyway.  There's just not much time to cook and sit around.  I'll occasionally make fish (there was a fabulous Parmesan crusted tilapia I did last week) or something fast, but even so it usually doesn't top 300 calories.

Anyway, enough blathering.  Yipes, those of you reading my stream-of-consciousness, bless you.  I know one or two folks appear to be checking in here and there, and you're appreciated. 

Day 28 Lexapro

Well, sigh.  The scale did not behave on Saturday as I'd have liked, but in the interests of transparency it certainly behaved the way it ought.  I massively overdid on baklava last week.  Excuse?  I have none.  I like it, it was available, I rarely have it, so I dove in head-first over and over and over.

According to Weight Watchers I put on 1.2 pounds.  According to my home scale I put on between 0.2 and 1.2 pounds, depending on when I weighed myself/ how much coffee I'd consumed.  I also was wearing heavier clothes for my weigh-in this week... in part because I knew the weigh-in wouldn't be awesome so adding the weight of jeans rather than the lightweight knit skirt I usually wear wasn't going to make the difference between whether I lost or not.  And in a way, I'm glad I had that opportunity because I am sick and tired of wearing that skirt to meetings anyway. 

Still, even though I am pretty sure I know what caused my uptick last week, I'm tracking like a beast this week to ensure I don't have a similar outcome this next Saturday.

On the plus side with all of this, I did walk four out of five workdays last week, so yay me!  I'm glad I did that.  It doesn't have much impact at all on my calorie burn, but it's a good practice for me to get back into.

Oh, and this morning my stupid home scale said the dreaded "172.2" again.  Because it hates me.  Oh well.  Onward!

Day 24 Lexapro

I swear, that scale has been parked at 171.6 all week.  Now granted, it's below 172.2 which was the last weight I felt like I saw all the time, but it's aggravating.  That said... it's also not unexpected, considering I dropped over 10 lbs. of scale weight in four weeks.  There's always a little resistance after a big loss, and considering we're done with the first four weeks, I will be happy to see a pound down a week... although I'm kind of hoping to drop 5 lbs. per month now that the initial burst of water weight loss is gone.

My plan for this?  Keep eating as I'm eating, and move more.  "Moving more" includes cooking more, so perhaps not eating exactly as I'm eating at the moment, but still continuing to concentrate on lean protein, fruits, vegetables, and minimally processed starchy carbohydrates.

"Moving more" also includes continuing to walk during lunch.  I walked both Tuesday and Wednesday this week, and plan to today as long as my knee doesn't give a repeat of Monday's performance.  Usually it's my right knee that's bad, but Monday my left knee had some stupid stabbing pain in it that was rendering it difficult for me to even move around the office for a few hours, which covered lunch.  Thankfully it worked itself out as the day wore on, but since I know my body likes to take potshots at my exercise efforts, I decided to let it rest the remainder of the day.

I am working to become a person who likes movement -- this goes against my genetic programming, because frankly my ancestors weren't out there chasing mammoths, they were back at the caves drawing on the walls -- and it's frustrating because the more I move, the more my body reminds me that I come from a sedentary people for a reason.  Today it's my hips that are griping at me, especially my right hip.  If I'm sedentary they're silent.  When I start deliberately exercising on a daily basis, the burning in the joints starts up again.  It's supposed to be the opposite, where refusing to move causes pain and movement over time increases endurance and stamina.  Unfortunately, for me it's more like continuing to operate a machine where the gears are losing their teeth.

Nothing is bad enough for surgery; everything is bad enough that it literally impedes my ability to do what I need to do to live a healthy life.  Oh well, I'm going to try anyway.  I still have my bike, I have my hand weights, I don't necessarily have to bear weight by walking... I'll work this out.  Somehow.  I can at least lift with my upper body to help with bone density and to attempt to counteract the effects of bending over a keyboard most of the day, and I can also utilize my standing desk more often.  I have options.  I am choosing to focus more on what I can do rather than what I can't.

Also, today I'm going to start listing three new things I'm happy about each day.  I'll guarantee you some of these things will be weird, but it can't be wrong to work to be happy about stuff!  So today I'm happy that my ankles are smaller.  I'm happy that my bike-pants style shapewear is feeling significantly less like a sausage casing that's about to burst, and I'm also happy that I'm consistently fitting into the bras I outgrew when I passed that 175 weight barrier.

Like I said, petty :P

A fourth thing I'm happy about, because it won't be new tomorrow, is that I actually cooked dinner last night!  I know, I know, it's an adulting thing and shouldn't even be something to celebrate.  I was raised to believe we don't get pats on the back for doing what's expected of us, but when normal activities have become as overwhelming as they had prior to me starting Lexapro, believe me, this is beyond worthy of celebration.  I fixed a pesto Parmesan crusted tilapia fillet dish for the family, and everyone ate and enjoyed it.  Okay, the 15-year-old nearly died when he took his second bite of tomato -- he is not a fan, but he does like to try foods to see if his tastes have changed -- but that only meant more tomatoes for me :)  The 19-year-old inhaled his post-haste, then went back to his room to get back to gaming.  And my husband and I appreciated the fact that we'd actually all gotten together to eat once again.

So yes, I'm definitely celebrating doing what's "expected" of me, because it's important.  And because having members of your family appreciating even doing what you "should" do is huge.

Mellow Mushroom

Okay y'all, I usually don't post twice in one day, but Mellow Mushroom is happening tomorrow night so I've been looking at calories/ SmartPoints for MM and HOLY CATS!!!  The pizza I like (Magical Mystery Tour, which is no longer on the menu but is awesome beyond words and they'll still make as a special order) is SEVENTEEN SMART POINTS.  500 CALORIES.  FOR ONE SLICE.

Uhm... no.  That's not happening tomorrow night.  But if I get the Chef's Salad, add a double topping of chicken, and even go with spicy ranch dressing, I'm clocking in right at 300 calories and 9 points.

Nine points still doesn't tickle me, but it's not seventeen, and the meal will be more filling than a single slice of pizza.

Plus, in my world, I do not eat just one slice of pizza, like, ever.  I don't deny myself anything when I'm concentrating on losing weight, but I am more than happy to put it off to a more appropriate day.  Considering weigh-in is Saturday, I am not consuming a thousand calories of pizza less than 48 hours prior.

That said, I did find a recipe for a cauliflower pizza crust that clocks in at 50 calories a slice, so I'm considering a DIY faux "Magical Mystery Tour" pizza for another day... in moderation, these things can work.

Day 23 Lexapro

I've got an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to discuss how the Lexapro is going.  I have to say that overall I'm happy with it.  Yes, I gripe about the insomnia and reflux (and they are totally worth whining over because UGH), and I will definitely mention that to her.  That said, the benefits, to me, far outweigh the drawbacks.

I'm dwelling less on things I cannot change.  I can actually "let go" of issues that bother me... at least for a while, and when I realize I'm starting to go overboard I can put it away. 

I've actually felt like moving again, which is kind of amazing.  I've not felt like doing... well, much of anything outside of the absolute basics which would include hygiene, makeup/ hair (I did these while in labor with both kids, and frankly nothing short of a natural disaster stops my vanity practices), go to work, come home, lather, rinse, repeat.  But now I'm feeling like walking again, so I'm walking half an hour at lunch.  I feel like cooking again (I know!!!!  Yes, this is hugely helpful for weight management), so I'm going to pick up dinner at the grocery store tonight. I have even felt the urge to do more work on the house, which is huge... and which I'm sure my husband and kids will appreciate.  It will also make me feel better, because I'd really like to feel up to having company over, and my house being in better shape would go a long way toward making that happen.

Another big thing I've noticed is that I'm not feeling the urge to comfort eat myself into a coma anymore.  Sure, I can make poor food choices, but that drive to just eat, eat, eat, until I feel even marginally better is gone.  I can once more have one donut hole, one cookie, one piece of cake... and at the moment, since I just ate breakfast and am very much not hungry, I would actively turn any of those items down.  This.  Is.  Huge.  This is something that's been making me feel crazy for around two years.  I remember actually looking at my poor husband and saying "I don't understand why I can't just stop!!!!!"  I mean, I know how to lose weight.  I've educated myself.  I understand making food choices that will meet my needs from both a nutrient and caloric standpoint.  And that part of me was absolutely flabbergasted that I literally felt that out of control.

Again, call me weak if you want.  Say I should have just "sucked it up".  You do you, boo.  I tried "sucking it up" and it would work for awhile until it didn't and I'd once more spiral down.  Some pulls are stronger than simple desire, and the well of depression has a gravitational force... which is a bit hard to fight, at times, without an assist.

So yes, I think the Lexapro is a win, in so very many ways.  I'm honestly thrilled, even when I include the side effects.

Have a good one, y'all :)

Day 22 Lexapro

This insomnia can stuff it.  I'm exhausted.  I think the nights where I actually get some sleep it's only because my body's desire to rest finally manages to outweigh the Lexapro's wakefulness side-effect.  Last week I had a night with three hours of sleep followed by a night with five hours, followed by a reasonable-esque night of sleep.  Last night it took me over an hour to crash out, which left me with five hours of sleep.  I'm wiped.

As for tonight?  I have no idea how much sleep I'll get.  I'm going to bed between 8:00 and 8:30, or at least laying down somewhere in there.  For weeks I've been cutting off all caffeine after lunch and limiting consumption prior to.  I don't know what else to do.  I guess I'll give it a couple more weeks until I ask my doctor about some sort of sleep aid.  Well, at least I go in to see her this week, so I'll mention the misery that is getting a decent amount of Zzzzzz's.

Food-wise, I'm doing well this week, which is a darned good thing because: see this past weekend's mass consumption of all weekly allowance points :P  I'm tracking like a madwoman, and I will absolutely be successful in holding the line or losing this week.  My only concern is we're going out with my sister-in-law either Thursday or Friday night, and that may throw a bit of a wrench into the works.  Friday night could potentially wreak havoc on my weigh-in due to sodium intake.  We'll just have to see.  I'm going to hydrate myself well and just do my best.  I'm also going to work on my brain to be flexible about what I'm eating rather than just throw my hands in the air with "Oh my goodness, it's a pizza restaurant, so I have to eat pizza!"

Seriously, I'm an adult.  I don't have to eat pizza.  Not that there's a thing wrong with it -- it's one of my favorite foods -- but it's not like it's going away any time, so I can always go back to get some another day.  I'll just have to weigh out my choice, because frankly if I get a massive pizza craving and keep denying myself, that way lies madness.

Goodness, such an uplifting post!  Sorry folks -- I know this is mindless blather, but it keeps me focused on what I'm doing, and offers the slightest bit of accountability.  Anyway, take care :)

Day 21 Lexapro

Today marks two weeks since I started the full dosage of Lexapro, and I definitely appreciate its effects.  I'd really like the insomnia to ease up (lordy, would I ever), but that's still a small price to pay for the improvements I've noticed even in the course of only three weeks.

As far as weight loss is concerned, Saturday morning the home scale said 170.4, which was a 0.4 pound drop from last week.  I was good with that, especially considering the holiday week and all, but when I went to Weight Watchers according to their scale I'd lost 0.6 pounds!  So, whatever.  I'm good with both :)  It's frankly impressive that I lost at all this week considering I ate like someone was taking food out of style, and also that I dropped 10 lbs. in scale weight in just three weeks.

Regardless of how small the loss this week was, I'll 100% take it.  This week my goal is to eat just within my daily points allowance, as I went out this weekend and pretty much destroyed my weekly points in one go.  So instead of doing my usual lazy Monday morning of not worrying about fixing food and just stopping at Subway for breakfast and Chipotle for lunch, I instead made my usual breakfast and lunches and will be eating at the office all week.  The one exception might be if I pick up some salmon and broccoli one day from Olive Garden, but I think it's best if I just do my sandwiches because I think eating fish at the office might well be a fireable offense.

I saw my sister-in-law today and mentioned how the Lexapro has been helping.  She's got a prescription for a different anti-depressant available to her due to the death of a close family member, and when I mentioned the Lexapro has me feeling actually motivated to get out and walk and so forth, she thought she might as well go ahead and pick it up.  I understand not wanting to necessarily rely on medication -- that's the reason it's taken me so long to move to a prescription means of helping me with my depression and anxiety -- but sometimes it's beyond helpful.  I'm grateful it exists.

Okay, back to the grind!  Y'all take care now :)

Day 18 Lexapro

Well, the scale was at 172.2 this morning, which puts me at a "whatever" kind of feeling.  I definitely overdid this weekend and Wednesday, but no other days.  At worst, I just haven't literally lost any fat this week, and I can accept that.  I didn't consume enough extra for an actual weight gain.  It's water weight at this point.

Also, I've lost so drastically over the past several weeks it's not surprising to have a week with minimal to no weight change, especially when, as I said, I kind of went a bit overboard two out of seven days, with one of them being much closer to weigh-in than usual.  All that aside, it's a good wake-up call and a reminder to myself that I really need to stick within my weekly points allowance without going "oh, it's fine, I'll make it up..."  Nope.  That doesn't happen.

On the plus side, I'm still feeling motivated enough to take walks during lunch, and took another one yesterday.  This. Is. HUGE.  Again, I haven't felt like deliberately exercising for months.  I've felt too dragged down and tired.  Now, although I'm getting a bit less sleep (thanks insomnia!  I woke up at midnight Wednesday night and 3:00 AM last night :P ), I'm still feeling more energetic, which tells me much of my exhaustion was from my emotional state.

I also was making my food for work this morning -- something I've been just kind of going through the motions with for ages -- and I was enjoying the little things I do to get it ready, like arranging the onion slice on top of the tomatoes.  You know, silly, simple, basic stuff.

For this, I can live with a bit of insomnia.  Yes, it's annoying to lay in bed and not be able to get to sleep.  Yes, it's annoying to wake up in the middle of the night and not fall back asleep until half an hour before the alarm goes off (HATE!!!), but at this point the benefits are far outweighing the drawbacks.

Oh, and reflux blows.  Just for the record.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Day 16 Lexapro

Scale was back down at 171.2 today, so the bloat was real -- it's hilarious how much my weight vacillates.  The only bad thing is I worry how this will impact future WW weigh-ins when I reach lifetime.  From what I understand, you have a two-pounds either way allowance, but the way my body likes to retain water that could get a bit frustrating.

On the Lexapro front, I'm noticing some real differences.  I actually felt like getting off my duff after I finished my lunch yesterday to take a walk, so I did!  This may sound minor, but honestly it was huge.  I've not felt like deliberately moving in a dog's age, due to a combination of injuries (my right knee and ankle loathe me) and the depression.  Yesterday, none of that was an issue so I walked for half an hour... with no ill effects today, either.  Hooray!

Also, my anxiety seems to be ratcheting down quite a bit.  We're doing some budgetary overhauling at the office, and rather than freak out over reading about direct and indirect expenses and so forth, I just sat down and read the material. What floored me is that I actually understand it.  Now granted, I've taken accounting and I'm the only person at the office who understands our billing software and so forth, but I guess I've absorbed more than I thought.  I know, again it seems minor, but I've apparently been dealing with a lot of imposter syndrome regarding my ability to do my job.  It appears I'm actually competent, though.  I guess the fact that I'm still employed should have served as a big sign that I'm not a wreck, but I'm occasionally a bit slow on the uptake :P

Lastly, I also had the realization that I'm a pretty strong person.  It sounds self-aggrandizing to say it, but I'm going to go with it.  I saw my ex-husband was abusive, and I left.  I saw the way I was brought up was rather messed up, and I chose a different route for myself and my children.  I'm not just taking the path of least resistance... I've seen places where a change is needed, and I've made it.  My therapist had pointed this out to me, but I just shrugged and said "Well, that's what you do."

Apparently it's not.  Apparently it's just what I did, and the people who manage to pull themselves out of a lifetime of toxicity are few and far between.  I'm grateful I'm one of them.  I'm also grateful I had the good sense to seek medical help for my depression, because I think this is the best decision I've made in a long, long time.

Happy 4th, y'all :)

Day 15 Lexapro

This titling thing is way easy :)

Just as I predicted, the scale bopped itself up and read 173 this morning.  I'm almost at a zero on stress over it, though, because I know 100% my food intake/ caloric intake was on point yesterday; this is just a sodium issue.

Also, I utterly failed in water consumption.  I'll fix that today.  The whole "eating out" issue is not a thing, too, because I was successful in getting up, getting ready, and getting all my food fixed before I left for work today, and I made it in by 6:25.  Score!  Nothing like beating the boss into the parking lot.  Heh.

I have to admit, I'm loving my current breakfast.  I don't mind the Subway 6" flatbread with egg white, Black Forest Ham and Provolone, but the homemade version is superior.

Additionally, because it must be said again, eggs DO NOT COME IN PATTY FORM.  Yipes.

At home, the sandwich that costs me 11 points at Subway instead costs me 3 points -- one for the wrap, and two for the cheese.  Also, it's about 100 calories less than the Subway version, which doesn't hurt my feelings either.  Breakfast still ends up being about 400 calories because I eat a banana on top of my homemade wrap, but the bonus is I don't end up consuming as much sodium which means less bloat.

Lunch clocks in at five points due to the spread I use on the tortilla, but I can live with that.  Currently I'm eating the Boar's Head Jerk Turkey, a 1/2 ounce of chipotle gouda cheese, some Honeycup mustard spread on the tortilla, along with my standard sandwich toppings (tomato slices, onion, pickle, jalapeno, and banana peppers).  That with a side of blueberries clocks in, again, at about 400 calories.  Plus I get the added bonus of (once again) less sodium than my Chipotle bowl would run me, and also I don't have to leave the office and use my precious gas and time to go pick up my food.

Dinner will be zero-ish points, and since tomorrow's the fourth I may just allow those points to roll over... or not, because we really don't have anything planned for the 4th.  My older son is housesitting for his girlfriend's family, my younger son has plans with his boyfriend, and my husband is working, all of which means I will have almost the entire glorious day to myself.

I won't mind this at all :)  I love the boys and my spousal unit, and I also need a bit of time to recharge.  That, plus sleeping in because the insomnia from that Lexapro is still a thing.  It's hard to fall asleep -- this from a woman who's usually out when her head hits the pillow -- and it's hard to stay asleep.  I'm functional and not ridiculously exhausted, because I get into bed at a reasonable hour and stay there and relax even when I'm not sleeping, but I do miss my easier sleep pattern.

By "easier" I mean that whole falling asleep quickly thing, because the waking up during the night thing is normal for me.  Oh well, I'll live.

Happy 4th everyone (who's not reading this, LOL) -- be safe and have fun :)

Day 14 Lexapro

I am really happy with how the Lexapro seems to be leveling things out.  My brain likes to grab onto something that stresses me out and then not. let. go.  Like, for literally days.  Apparently, this is not normal!  Most folks don't experience this the way I do.  They can actually let go of stuff, shelve it, either until a more appropriate time or completely if dwelling on it is doing nothing but cause stress.  Who knew?

Sunday morning the scale read 170.8 again, and today it was 172.  Both are fine.  Weight fluctuates, and a 1.2 pound difference really doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.  It will probably uptick again tomorrow since Monday is my Subway/ Chipotle time.  I'm hopeful I can make food to take to work tomorrow; the only caveat there is that Tuesdays I have to get to the office early so I can leave at 3:30 to take my younger son to his voice lesson, and sometimes I manage that by hitting up Subway on the way in to work.  However, if I just get up at 4:45 I'm pretty confident I can leave the house by 6:10.  It shouldn't take me more than an hour to get ready, and that leaves 25 minutes for breakfast and lunch production.

Planning.  Planning is good.  And July 4th is this week, which means more plans... eeep :)  Saturday should be an interesting and telling weigh-in day!